So where do I start? Like many people in this world I had a past. Growing up in a broken home where I felt that I could only receive conditional love. I never thought I would live past the age of nineteen too afraid that I would die in a car crash. I lived and bathed in fear. I would watch scary movies and actually believed life was like that. My mind was filled with fear and inappropriate thoughts due to sexual abuse when I was younger which I just found out about last summer and a book I read in fourth grade called Flowers in the Attic which mistakenly my mother and my grandmother gave me to read it was three hundred pages that a little girl should never read. Most of my friends were broken people like me, ranging from a friend in JJC to cutting herself to a bully to a girl that hanged out with people that were druggies and a foster kid.
I tried to run away and even threatened to kill myself due to problems at home, my mother and me who also was unsaved at the time did not get along. I lived in secrecy many people did not know what happened with me at home and I would never report my relationship with my mother of similar problems of generations past of abuse. I was too afraid of what people thought of me and had self esteem issues. In fact my freshman year of high school I spent an hour in the bathroom staring at myself and hoping somehow the image would change. I distrusted people and even hated them I never knew how to get close to anyone and I thought if a God existed then why would He want me to go through so much pain.
I would never smile literally when I was younger people even commented to my mother who was unaware of the abuse due to oppression, so my own mother did not know the pain I experienced everyday. We hated each other and called each other horrible names back and forth I would run and hide and I felt like it was an everyday ritual. I hated Catholics up until this summer due to being teased by Catholics in fifth grade after being there a year and being back stabbed by an ex best friend. In fact when I was a freshman in college out partying and staying at my boyfriends at the time thank God to this day I am still a virgin I saw a truck everyday with a Campus Crusade for Christ bumper sticker and I thought to myself they are too Christian for me. I hated Catholics but I hated Christians more. That was when God started to perform a miracle on my heart and soul and change my life forever.
God works in mysterious ways, ways in which I can never understand. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6” That same year my father got the call to Iraq. At first my parents were not going to tell me and then somehow I figured it out. I knew it was either divorce or Iraq and I was betting because of the time Iraq. When my father went overseas I had a hole in my heart I realized that I was not living life the way I wanted and somehow I needed a change. I did not know that that change was going to be the Lord Jesus Christ.
When I first talked about Jesus with my friend Lindsey I thought nothing of her question I thought it a bit odd and a bit personal but I did not think too much into it. She wanted to know if I had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ? I said no and she invited me to bible study since I was looking for better friends and a new fresh start I agreed. I went to bible study and loved it. My friend Amy had just started it the year before due to the Lord’s calling. That was the day I asked God in my heart not willing to fully commit but willing to be open to the idea of a relationship with God, I was not ready to say Jesus because that meant the belief in Christ not only God and I was not ready to take the full step, but willing to believe in a higher power then myself and begin that walk to discover Him.
That year Lindsey invited me to Campus Crusade fall retreat. I thought she was nuts I had already gone to a CRU meeting and felt like the worst person around I thought if they knew my past they would kick me out and told myself I would never return. But God was not done with me yet. I actually ended up going to Fall retreat and getting the booklet to accept Christ in my life but did not receive him yet. That summer I had applied to a summer project through CRU and somehow I got in even though I was not a born again Christian believer. Since I thought the prayer was not needed then I thought I was good enough. I had campers the week before I said the prayer and luckily got sick that week with a strong devoted Christian who happened to share the good news with me again for like the third time. That same week I told the Lord I loved him and accepted him fully into my heart, it was a prayer that was genuine and sincere out of faith.
Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal and abundant life. Take control of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.
That summer I learned about the Lord, my personal relationship with him and what that looked like and how to have daily devotions. After that summer I lived in a Christian Cooperative which helped me to know about genuine Christian friendships with other girls and how to be a good support network also a lot about having fun while being a Christian and the girls that lived there helped me to grow and deepen in my relationship with God. I would go to church at St. Pius with my catholic friends and would reach out to them in need and tell and share with them the love of God that I experienced. I also would go to Campus House a church I could go to church with my CRU friends and Calvary in which I helped out with the youth ministry. That same year my world of spiritual knowledge changed incredibly when I was in Detroit during spring break. I learned about oppression of demons and the true deep everlasting love of God. I also met a man of God named James who I talk to about spiritual things and told me to love my mother and that it was easy. I call him my mentor and him and his wife Erica are like my spiritual parents people I know are walking very closely with the Lord are married and live day by day for Jesus Christ.
That summer my relationship with my mother changed as she got freed and I got freed from demons of our past. Oppression is something that happens too many but not many people know about it. God chooses some to go through what they do and to teach others what they encountered and how they got freed. Prayer and lots of it is the sole authority we have as believers in Christ. You can never pray too much for anyone and there is a 100% guarantee it works every time. So pray diligently and constantly. The earliest disciples came together and prayed and so should we. “They all joined together constantly in prayer, along with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brothers” (Acts 1:14)
I feel like God has granted me the gift of healing and faith. Although every believer does have the power to heal if they believe in the name of Jesus Christ, and there is so much power in his name. “And so, when Jesus' name is called, the knees of everyone should fall wherever they're residing” Philippians 2:10. Jesus name is the answer to our prayers and the peace within the storm. This summer I have conquered another impossible belief in my mind. When I was growing up I had a food addiction and would eat whenever I got stressed or bored. So my releaser when I was going through my past would be food. Now I turn to God and since deciding that I have lost a lot of pounds 25 to be exact and can do more then I ever thought physically possible. I am a true believer though that what God can do for me He can do for you.
We all have a past no matter if it is physically or mentally being hurt somewhere along the way we all have been hurt. This world is not a kind and gentle place and there is a lot of mean things around us every day. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12). The important thing is to know that we have an enemy and is not each other and to know that we are uncondionally loved by a Father in Heaven that wants us to come to us daily so that He can give us our daily bread. God gives us the breath that we need to survive so that we can reach out and touch the lives of others around us. If He can change my life from depression and brokenness into a life of hope and love imagine what He can do with yours. You know those dreams that you have in your heart that you keep secret or those fears that you have kept secret give it to God and let God transform your mess into something beautiful. You are worth more then you think you are.
Two verses to leave you with that fit with my life story:
Isaiah 38:17
Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins
behind your back.
So the answer to my question years ago when I was broken and afraid looking for God is that He does exist and that Jesus is the answer. I studied many religions and often though Christians were judgmental because they had one true God but the fact of the matter I found the truth. Jesus is the light the truth and the way and I would encourage anyone to fully give their lives to Him.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Amen my sister
Amen to my sister
Amen to my brother
Amen to those that live down the street
Those that are waiting to be totally free
I want to sing for those who dream
I want to speak for those who can not
I want to believe in a God that believes and fights for forgiveness
A God that is so merciful that it causes us to fall down to our knees
Our God is truly an awesome God
He feeds us and nourishes us more then we even need
We are blessed if we just open our eyes and see
The goodness of the Lord is all around us
In a child giggling and laughing full of life
To a game of volleyball outside in the bright beautiful God made earth
The daily simplicity of life is a wonder in itself
Amen my sister
Amen my brother
Amen to those who believe
To those who want to achieve more then nothingness
Who want a life that is worth living
A life that is fully devoted to the King of Kings
We are all worth more then we know
If we can just learn the simple truth that we are more
Amen to my brother
Amen to those that live down the street
Those that are waiting to be totally free
I want to sing for those who dream
I want to speak for those who can not
I want to believe in a God that believes and fights for forgiveness
A God that is so merciful that it causes us to fall down to our knees
Our God is truly an awesome God
He feeds us and nourishes us more then we even need
We are blessed if we just open our eyes and see
The goodness of the Lord is all around us
In a child giggling and laughing full of life
To a game of volleyball outside in the bright beautiful God made earth
The daily simplicity of life is a wonder in itself
Amen my sister
Amen my brother
Amen to those who believe
To those who want to achieve more then nothingness
Who want a life that is worth living
A life that is fully devoted to the King of Kings
We are all worth more then we know
If we can just learn the simple truth that we are more
Monday, July 7, 2008
Gods Amazing Love
Many people wonder what love is they spend their whole lives trying to grasp it, understand it, and experience it. Movies, television that is where we see what the world glimpses as love. You see men and women in the bedroom experiencing sex before marriage and a girl spotting a boy and realizing she is in love. But is what the television showing really real? And if it is not how in the world do we discover what true love is? There is only one solution one man or being that can show us to us straight and that is our Lord Almighty. God says in his word Hosea 4:6 “my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.” Many of us myself included have experienced the ups and downs of human relationships we have felt the pain and the disappointment of another, but we need to understand one thing that God is the only one that is ever able to truly love us both in and out. That man or woman that is a Christian that you are planning or hoping to marry someday will not be able to love you perfectly but the good news is that the one that leads you both the Lord will heal those wounds and bring you close together through his unconditional love, the being that is love orchestrates the love of true marriages. He is the one that creates the beautiful heavens that we gaze upon, and the wonderful people that love you so much or the ones that will.
So what can we learn about Gods word the source of true knowledge the place where God can lay it all down for us to understand what love really looks like. Well Gods love is like summer in winter a warm sunshine in the coldness of our hearts. He is the one that gives us love to love others and uses us to love others more then we could even hope or even dream. God is the one that leads us on a path of love. This year my grandmother bought me a cross necklace a necklace that I was hoping to receive and on it stated the words “A path of faith is a path of love.” When we begin our journey with God it is our first step to coming close to true love, to the one who can love us both in and out in a way that people would give everything they own to experience. A love that speaks silently to our hearts to be patient with one another and bear with one another’s faults for none of us our perfect but our creator himself. First Corinthians is one of the best places to look if you are curious about what Gods love looks like for “ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preservers. Love never fails. Now don’t get me wrong I am not an expert at love but I know one thing without God we could not even think to love like this. The only times that I get love like this right is because of Him. In my past and even know I was very self centered and thought the world had to pay me back for what I had lost as a child. Now I realize that I have everything to gain for if I can love the way God can love and like this scripture through his help I have grasped what life holds of worth in this lifetime.
God shows his love in many ways and one of those and most truest ways of showing his love to his people is by sending Jesus. Jesus never had to come down from heaven, he never had to think about others besides himself but where would we all be? We would all be buried or worse in a place of eternal darkness and shame. God is a god of second chances he realizes we are not perfect, forgives us for our mistakes and loves us for all that we are. I think we are the problem. We are the ones that expect perfection from our selves and from others. For example, to be honest when my good friend James gave me this assignment I thought he was crazy a four page paper on love, I am no expert how can I inform others on a love so deeply and passionately and innocently as the love that Jesus offers to us on the cross. A chance to love again, a chance to experience all the wonders of the kingdom on earth, a chance to love like Jesus, a chance to dream like Jesus, a chance to follow and to be loved by the best savior you could ask for. We expect so much from ourselves when Jesus paid IT ALL. Why do we thirst for perfection when Jesus died for us to enjoy being non perfect people? Jesus loves others through their imperfections so why can’t we? The thing is we should, we should try to love people where they are at. Yes it will be hard or like James says it will be easy but it the end I hope that it will be well worth it. I know that Jesus thinks so and so I will try to continue on doing what I know is best loving the people that I know deserve it but are sometimes hard to deal with. We can do all things through Christ and so we can love others like the way that they need to be loved, press on to finish the race even if sometimes there is a few bumps and bruises along the way. For we all know that a few bumps and bruises is nothing to what God can change and heal over time.
Well about sex should we wait for something true and meaningful or should we give our goods to the first available customer? The best answer and the answer God would say most definitely is to wait. But what is the point you say? I am in love with my Christian boyfriend or girlfriend now if we are going to get married what is the delay? The answer dear friend is that we never know the future and we need to protect our hearts. God says in his word that we do not even know what tomorrow lies so how would we know which person we would spend the rest of your lives with. You may love them now but you never know what could happen. Song of Songs also says it best 2:7 “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the doe does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Love should never be awoken too soon. It is like waking someone up that does not need or wanted to be awoken yet it is cranky tired and full of thorns, well I am not sure about you but I do not want my marriage to be filled with that.
If God loves me then what is the purpose to really love others like myself? I mean if I have God then why should I try to love others, it is so difficult loving others like that I almost don’t even want to try. If someone is dealing with that problem I understand I have been there. I mean the world treats us unfair why should we treat others fairly? Why should we love others that barely give us the time of day that hurt us, that mistreat us and that put us down? What is the point do I really have to love this individual? The answer is that we do and we should. The answer is in Gods word. “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” John 13:35 and Hebrews 12:14 “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.” We have to make peace with those that are hard to live with, to work with to see at church; wherever we are we need to be ambassadors of God’s peace and love. So we already know that envy is not of love and that peace is a fruit of our God’s love and spirit. One of my favorite verses in the bible is Proverbs 16:7 “When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.” That is one of my favorite verses for many reasons. For one it promises that the Lord will take care of those that hurt us, persecute us, etc and that not only that but that he will bring peace into the situation if we wait long enough to discover it there and believe in it. Sometimes we get a glimpse of that peace with our enemy but as long as we continue to put the Lord’s kingdom first we know that he will use the situation for our good, teach us and show us more of his unconditional love. One story of the bible touches my heart. There once was a godly man named Isaiah and God told him to love someone that was hard to love so that the Lord could show his unconditional love for his people. Look in Hosea if you are curious. So who is your prostitute? Who is the one that you have to love that does not seem to want or care for your love, the one that keeps wanting to leave, well don’t give up hope is just around the corner. In the end Homer became a faithful wife proving that when love does not give up love does not fail. Keep striving to love others and make peace with those that seem to not want it for perhaps God is trying to reach them through you.
So what can we learn about Gods word the source of true knowledge the place where God can lay it all down for us to understand what love really looks like. Well Gods love is like summer in winter a warm sunshine in the coldness of our hearts. He is the one that gives us love to love others and uses us to love others more then we could even hope or even dream. God is the one that leads us on a path of love. This year my grandmother bought me a cross necklace a necklace that I was hoping to receive and on it stated the words “A path of faith is a path of love.” When we begin our journey with God it is our first step to coming close to true love, to the one who can love us both in and out in a way that people would give everything they own to experience. A love that speaks silently to our hearts to be patient with one another and bear with one another’s faults for none of us our perfect but our creator himself. First Corinthians is one of the best places to look if you are curious about what Gods love looks like for “ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preservers. Love never fails. Now don’t get me wrong I am not an expert at love but I know one thing without God we could not even think to love like this. The only times that I get love like this right is because of Him. In my past and even know I was very self centered and thought the world had to pay me back for what I had lost as a child. Now I realize that I have everything to gain for if I can love the way God can love and like this scripture through his help I have grasped what life holds of worth in this lifetime.
God shows his love in many ways and one of those and most truest ways of showing his love to his people is by sending Jesus. Jesus never had to come down from heaven, he never had to think about others besides himself but where would we all be? We would all be buried or worse in a place of eternal darkness and shame. God is a god of second chances he realizes we are not perfect, forgives us for our mistakes and loves us for all that we are. I think we are the problem. We are the ones that expect perfection from our selves and from others. For example, to be honest when my good friend James gave me this assignment I thought he was crazy a four page paper on love, I am no expert how can I inform others on a love so deeply and passionately and innocently as the love that Jesus offers to us on the cross. A chance to love again, a chance to experience all the wonders of the kingdom on earth, a chance to love like Jesus, a chance to dream like Jesus, a chance to follow and to be loved by the best savior you could ask for. We expect so much from ourselves when Jesus paid IT ALL. Why do we thirst for perfection when Jesus died for us to enjoy being non perfect people? Jesus loves others through their imperfections so why can’t we? The thing is we should, we should try to love people where they are at. Yes it will be hard or like James says it will be easy but it the end I hope that it will be well worth it. I know that Jesus thinks so and so I will try to continue on doing what I know is best loving the people that I know deserve it but are sometimes hard to deal with. We can do all things through Christ and so we can love others like the way that they need to be loved, press on to finish the race even if sometimes there is a few bumps and bruises along the way. For we all know that a few bumps and bruises is nothing to what God can change and heal over time.
Well about sex should we wait for something true and meaningful or should we give our goods to the first available customer? The best answer and the answer God would say most definitely is to wait. But what is the point you say? I am in love with my Christian boyfriend or girlfriend now if we are going to get married what is the delay? The answer dear friend is that we never know the future and we need to protect our hearts. God says in his word that we do not even know what tomorrow lies so how would we know which person we would spend the rest of your lives with. You may love them now but you never know what could happen. Song of Songs also says it best 2:7 “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the doe does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Love should never be awoken too soon. It is like waking someone up that does not need or wanted to be awoken yet it is cranky tired and full of thorns, well I am not sure about you but I do not want my marriage to be filled with that.
If God loves me then what is the purpose to really love others like myself? I mean if I have God then why should I try to love others, it is so difficult loving others like that I almost don’t even want to try. If someone is dealing with that problem I understand I have been there. I mean the world treats us unfair why should we treat others fairly? Why should we love others that barely give us the time of day that hurt us, that mistreat us and that put us down? What is the point do I really have to love this individual? The answer is that we do and we should. The answer is in Gods word. “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” John 13:35 and Hebrews 12:14 “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.” We have to make peace with those that are hard to live with, to work with to see at church; wherever we are we need to be ambassadors of God’s peace and love. So we already know that envy is not of love and that peace is a fruit of our God’s love and spirit. One of my favorite verses in the bible is Proverbs 16:7 “When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.” That is one of my favorite verses for many reasons. For one it promises that the Lord will take care of those that hurt us, persecute us, etc and that not only that but that he will bring peace into the situation if we wait long enough to discover it there and believe in it. Sometimes we get a glimpse of that peace with our enemy but as long as we continue to put the Lord’s kingdom first we know that he will use the situation for our good, teach us and show us more of his unconditional love. One story of the bible touches my heart. There once was a godly man named Isaiah and God told him to love someone that was hard to love so that the Lord could show his unconditional love for his people. Look in Hosea if you are curious. So who is your prostitute? Who is the one that you have to love that does not seem to want or care for your love, the one that keeps wanting to leave, well don’t give up hope is just around the corner. In the end Homer became a faithful wife proving that when love does not give up love does not fail. Keep striving to love others and make peace with those that seem to not want it for perhaps God is trying to reach them through you.
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